Well, SHOOT and HEY

Here's a story.

Once upon a time, someone wanted me to fit into their beautiful, unassailable dream, which had illusion at its core. The real drivers were hidden dreams and needs, not the expressed vision.

I tried. For a loooooong time I tried to ask about those dreams and needs, to connect, to help the vision happen. It was not possible.

And then I wobbled. It took too long, and my already-low tenacity ran out. And then it became clear that this was not a safe place, that illusions and impossibilities existed - and my anger kicked in.

The anger came from self-doubt, and from someone else trying to define me. I felt like I had failed. I was told I had failed. The truth, though, is that although I would certainly change a few things, I did not fail.

(Enter soul-searching: am I justifying myself? Realizing that perspective is fallible and certainty elusive: I don't believe so.)

The question always is, Where am I to blame? Surely I could have done something that would have created a different path. Some of my story includes my husband taking his own life; this question screamed during that time. In this other time, it whispered.

And my learning was: I am not always to blame. I always make some mistakes, yes. And the larger story is one of unconscious dishonesty, blind spots, true inability to grasp issues, and underlying needs and desires that were not expressed. My mistakes were in a story someone else was writing.

So what can I change? Nothing. But what can I heal? Just the cuts I received.

So, SHOOT. I made some mistakes. And I can't fix what isn't mine.

And, HEY. Life is hard, and it is good. People are fascinating, we show up for each other crazily, the people who choose to actually know me can tell me when I've failed. And we get more tries.

Let's keep healing and keep trying.