December 7th

To accept God’s mercy to us with a whole heart, undivided by awareness of inequality and fear of the future, is a struggle some days.

I am so rich…in my children, our family, the “park” we live in, cats, people who have decided to be our new community, people who have held on to us for the past 30 years, this house, all the opportunities that come with wealth: job, school possibilities, choice in so many things.

Can I simply say “thank you” and leave others’ blessings to God’s providence, knowing He is just as compassionate to them?

I am so ambivalent about what we have received in the past year – in my last 47, in fact, but specifically this past one. So grateful, deep to my bones gratefulness and wonder, so overwhelmed by all the good gifts, but so uncomfortable with the reality that many, many others do not have them. It’s not that we deserve them – just that God decided to pour them on us. Why? 

And how can I say that God has blessed us when some of those listening do not have those material blessings but are following Him in the same way we are? How can I testify to His goodness in His abundant provision when others are not abundantly provided for in the same ways? It feels empty, trite, to say “God is good because He blessed me.” This implies that He is not good if He does not bless me, that He is not good if He does not bless you.

I know I can simply say I am grateful for what He has done for us. Maybe I don’t have to address the rest.

I am afraid to count on God’s blessing us too much, knowing that seeing too much in them is

Lewis’s “sand castles.” Anxiety lurks in the back of my mind that at some point He will feel that He has blessed us enough, and all these things will disappear.

Psalm 115:13,14

He will bless those who fear the Lord, the small together with the great. May the Lord cause you to flourish, you and your children. May you be blessed of the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth.

I do not know what this means for everyone. I do not know what it means for me, for us, in the future. I know that right now, He is causing us to flourish. He is restoring our souls, He is leading us beside still waters, He is preparing a feast for us in the presence of our enemies, our cup overflows. And it has nothing to do with us.

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Thy name give glory, because of Thy lovingkindness, because of Thy truth.

The truth is, I know He is good. I know He has blessed us. If all these material things were taken away, He would still be good, and we would still be flourishing in His presence and care. This is enough to know this day, this month, this year.

Thank You.