j'espère, unë shpresoj, espero

Probably nobody can tell (except for my running partner, who hears many things), but I have been emoting out my pores for the past few days. God has brought another gift to our family, one that I have been ridiculously anxious about taking. A couple of weeks ago, our landlady sent a brief e-mail to me; in fact, all it said was, "Would you like to buy my house?" 

Of course I want to buy her house! In September of 2012 I started looking at it - just admiring it with no thought of every living in it. In October, a “For Rent” sign appeared. I called to find out about it, was told that it was in process of possibly being rented, and declined to put my name on the waiting list. A month later, it was still available, and I finally put my name on that list. Three days after Mark died, the property management company called me; the landlady had turned down the previous six applicants, and I was possibly next in line, although someone was preparing to secure their place that afternoon. We providentially had what we needed to preempt their application, and by a week or two later, we heard we had been accepted. December 10^th, we moved in. We love this house and its 3.31 acres.

 

And here we are starting into the process of buying it! Along with jobs, schools, friends and church communities, it is so clear to me that this is another step in God’s provision for us. So here we go. At the same time, the practicalities are occasionally overwhelming and the emotions unexpected. I have to regularly remind myself that I am not completely in control, have to keep reviewing the ways God has led me through the past two years, have to stop looking at the waves I am walking on. 

Mark was the one of us who really wanted to buy a house, eventually. I felt no need for “roots,” even became restless at the thought of being tied to something so significant, never wanted that white picket fence (all of mine need whitewashing, by the way). To do this on my own, without the man I assumed it would happen with, is unsettling.

That restlessness has been part of a life that I loved: satisfying and meaningful work, beloved colleagues, adventure, fun, respected employers and fascinating, rewarding local communities. Although I had already decided to be in this town for the next several years, making this decision seals the reality that I am closing the door on that other life of the past 30 years, forcing me to finally say goodbye to it.

Finances are doable but not certain, so I am nervous about the possibility of making a huge mistake that could restrict me in numerous ways. I want to be responsible with what I have but not hold back from God’s gifts out of fear.

Yikes!!

Over the last weekend, I finally have wrestled to the point of being at peace. In my scheduled readings within two days, I was repeatedly reminded that I don’t have to know all the details, that there is Someone who knows what He’s doing orchestrating all this.

Psalm 31 talks about not worrying about things beyond me, but composing and quieting my soul like a child leaning on his mother. Jeremiah 30 promises “quiet and ease” for those being led by God. And Jeremiah 29 specifically tells the exiled Israelites to “build houses and live in them, plant gardens and eat their produce, seek the welfare of the city where [you are]….” Basically, settle in where God has put me.

I also realized that Mark and I made major life decisions based on a mix of our own gifts and desires with the needs that were in front of us: the “why” of moving was more important than almost anything else. Buying a house just “because I can,” or because it’s what Americans do, just feels shallow and purposeless. I had to go back to God’s leading and the reality that He has had purposes in us being here that I was unaware of from the starting side. If He is leading us to do this, He has plans for us and for this house, and those will unfold in His time.

I know He is providing a home, especially for son #2, who has 4 years of high school ahead of him - but also for the other three, who have a place now for things like weddings, summer vacations and family gatherings.

I know I will be freer to be part of the community in a committed way – I might start going to those monthly town meetings!

I don't know what else is ahead but have seen so clearly in the past 2 years that as I step into what God is putting in front of me, He brings his plans to fruition. Maybe for a relative or two to live with us eventually? Maybe foster kids? Maybe women who need a temporary home? Maybe...?

A number of our languages have included a verb that means both “to wait (for)” and “to expect.” Here I am, waiting and expecting, and mostly at peace.

Psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning, indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning. O Israel (the people of God), hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.