Ups 'n' Downs 'n' Funnies

When we found out our third child was going to be a boy, M blew a sigh of relief and said, “Girls are so EMOTIONAL.”  J Well, we did learn later that humans are emotional, boys just as much as girls, and I see that every day at the Mission. The men do tend to fall apart easily.  Obviously most of them have lived life in a pattern of falling apart, and that’s why they are here. They have no internal resources to buoy them when life gets rough, which it has for all of them. (2nd & 3rd emotional children -->)

I have seen a man walk out the door sobbing, but usually their eyes just well up as they fight to keep control. A (severely depressed) man I checked in recently could hardly speak as he told me he had gone to his house to get his belongings, but “she ripped them all up.” One of the hardest lessons for me here has been how not to fall apart myself on their behalf. I used to think the counselors were hard-hearted as they listened to the men but didn’t sympathize…but it’s making more sense now, and I am even able to listen (showing more sympathy than the counselors, just because I can’t help it!) without affirming poor-me mindsets and other harmful patterns.

I love how the other men respond to those close to the edge – plenty of slaps on the shoulder, some hugs, strong handshakes. Living in close quarters generates enough drama for a high school girls’ dormitory during the daily routine, but there is not much judgment here in times of need.

Some days the surprising thing is that they don’t break down. My heart breaks for them, as they hold it in after hopefully calling family only to be hung up on or berated, as they sit in the lobby chairs and turn over the past in their minds, as they continue to escape their pain and shame by keeping the world at bay.

 

(<-- towel pile and tobacco drawer)

It is much easier for me to rejoice with their rejoicing. I checked in one man in visibly fragile state, scared and skittish about being in a homeless shelter for the first time in his life; a week later he came back from a court date elated. God had put him in the same room as his daughter, who he hadn’t seen for four years! They had lunch together and started restoring a long-broken relationship. He has been smiling ever since and is one of the several constantly playing practical jokes, elbowing men in the hallway, teasing and clowning.

A graduate resident recently was invited by his long-estranged daughter to her wedding, which he nervously attended. He didn’t walk her down the aisle – but he danced with her and had grateful tears in his eyes as he told me about it. Those are the tears I love to see. Others tell me about family vacations after decades of distance, grandkids who are now allowed to see Grandpa because he’s pulling his life together, so many relationships restored. That Step 8 of the AA Twelve (willing to make amends) is one of the most poignant and visible.

The funny things just happen every day. Yesterday the Ringling Bros train chugged by on the tracks 50 yards from my desk! The men were eating lunch as it passed, and most of them commented as they came out, “Did you see the circus train??” It was a highlight. A baby-faced gentle giant said, “I don’t see no giraffe’s head sticking up!” (Another responded, “I think that’s just on the toy train, dude.”)

And one of our Chomsky-reading but socially-puzzled long-termers came out of the bathroom near me and said, “Ahh, relief!”