E Njohur

In the past year I have realized that I was extraordinarily blessed to be married. We know this, as married people, and we are grateful, but most of us aren't quite grateful enough! As one of those married people from age 19 to age 46, every once in a while I envied my single friends and colleagues their freedom and independence. I had many, many singles around me, and although I was able to empathize to a point and did as much as I could to be family to them, at least to what I thought was an adequate level, the inherent loneliness of the single life never really sank in until I had it myself.

Theoretically I think I was able to love my friends. We had conversations in which we talked about loneliness vs aloneness, the good and the depth that mark their relationships with God because of the lack of distraction, etc., we included them in our family and hung out with them like theirs, for short bursts and often longer ones. All good things. And all feeling nearly meaningless when we are hit with the need to be known thoroughly and to have the privilege of knowing someone else thoroughly.

My whole adult life, I had someone to talk to, to express my thoughts, feelings, fears, joys, craziness to uninhibitedly, and not just someone but truly my best friend. I had a person to be that someone to. We had become adults together, walked and talked through every transition and lesson together, chosen together how to approach life, ministry, and family...we were one flesh. And then I suddenly discovered that although I thought I had understood and empathized pretty thoroughly with my singles, I had not.

A friend of mine who is mostly alone in the world and struggles with alcoholism, among other things, recently found a place to live and work. He said to me this week, "I finally, after a very long time, feel wanted." What a difference that makes in a life. To be seen, to be called by our names, to be listened to and valued just because we are. This is what I love to do for my men now (at work, not my men in general!), and what I occasionally crave for myself in this single life.

As a Christian, God fills much of that loss. I know Him in ways I never did before. But I also feel the reality of Him creating us not to be alone. Sometimes the body and soul in front of me is what I want more than the Spirit who knows me even more deeply than Mark ever did.

My guess is that most of us who are single just don't think about the loneliness unless we have to. We get busy for good or ill, with things that express the image of Christ in the world or with things that just distract us from the pain of thinking. We enter in to and build community, we serve and enjoy others, we can be truly happy and satisfied and...busy.

I have to say I do like the freedom and independence. :) Many days it offsets the lack of knowing and being known.